How and when do I tell my child?

How you tell your child will depend on how old they are when you tell them, how much they already know about their own conception and how curious they are some children want to know all the details and others show no interest at all.  It is generally helpful to use simple straightforward language and to be prepared to answer any questions that may arise.

It is not a subject that can be dealt with in one session; its likely to be raised every now and again and can be thought of as an ongoing dialogue.  Children will need time to think about the implications of what you have said.  They will probably need to come back to you to discuss it again.

When to tell your child will depend on many factors - including whether you donated before or after your child's birth, what level of understanding you feel your child has of how babies are conceived and how you feel about your child sharing the information with other people.

When do I tell younger children?

With very young children, you may find it easier to talk to them about your donation as soon as they start asking where they themselves come from.  This raises the subject at an early age in a way they can understand and enables you to deal with the subject in easy stages.  This has the advantage of enabling them to grow up feeling that this is something they have always known rather than it coming as a shock at some later stage.

It is worth remembering however that young children often have little respect for their own privacy.  They may not be aware of the significance of the information and are unlikely to understand social conventions concerning discretion.  They may tell people whom you would not have chosen to tell yourself.  Your donation is also about their genetic links - part of their story about who they are - and it is normal to want to share this with people they are close to: relatives, childminders, teachers etc. Although you understand that they may later regret sharing this information so widely, they may not.  Your own attitudes to your donation are likely to be a significant factor in how comfortable your children are with the information as they grow up.

How do I tell younger children?

When your child firsts asks how they came to be born, you can add simple information about donation in language they can understand such as,Some mummies and daddies need extra help to have a baby, because they don't have any eggs or seeds or have eggs and seeds that don't work very well, and I helped someone that way once.  You can explain to them the difference between a mummy and daddy and a donor.  There are some useful publications often used by parents of donor-conceived children that you may find helpful.

For some children, this may be all they need to know initially.  With others you may need to be prepared for a fuller discussion on the mechanics of the donation.  It's unlikely at this age that the child will understand the full genetic implications of you being a donor and the link between them and any potential half siblings.  This is something that you will need to discuss with them as they get older.

How do I tell older children?

If you are planning to donate and you have older children or teenagers, you may wish to involve them in the decision about whether to donate.  As the donation could create a half-sibling for them, they may have strong opinions about what they would or wouldn't like to happen.  It may help to take them along to the counselling session offered by the clinic to talk this through as a family.  You may wish to contact the clinic counsellor to discuss how best to approach this before you attend your counselling session.  The counsellor should be able to arrange for you to have an initial session by yourself or with your partner before including your children if you feel this would be beneficial.